A Close Shave

Shaving. What. The. Hell. Whose bright idea was it to have females start shaving their legs and underarms? Who decided that men are allowed to have hair but it’s gross for women? Whose brilliant idea was it to take a sharp blade to their skin at risk of cutting themselves? Whoever it is- I hate you. So much.

Now, you might think I’m some hippie feminist who doesn’t shave or something, so let me correct you. I do shave. A lot. Because I can’t stand the prickly feeling of stubble that is necessary to grow out hair. And plus it just feels gross. But I just have issues with the idea that women have to shave. In practicality, it’s kind of nice.

What I don’t get, though, is the choice of body parts. We have hair on our arms as well as our legs. So why don’t we shave our arms? Why is it only legs? I mean, I can imagine the bothersome nature of having stubble on your arm, it would just be awkward and I feel bad for serious swimmers, but seriously. Why is it ok to have hairy arms but not hairy legs? Where’s the logic in that?

But shaving is such a pain, especially when I cut myself. It’s like a tiny nick opens up this river of blood that just pours out of me. You would think that a small cut would coagulate quickly, but no. No it doesn’t. It just continues to rush out like a waterfall onto the bathroom floor for unreasonable amounts of time! What am I, Niagara Falls?? And then I have to go find pieces of tissue or toilet paper and stick it to my leg, and be extra cautious putting on a pair of pants so they don’t become blood stained, and roll up my pants leg, and it’s just so obnoxious! And I look silly!

And heaven forbid I miss a spot. The instant I realize there’s a tiny patch of hair near my ankle or my knee that I missed, I start freaking out, thinking that everyone’s gonna notice my minuscule patch of hair and judge me as a gross person. And stay far away. Or if my leg is even slightly stubbly, I have this huge fear that someone’s gonna brush up against my leg and be like EWWW you’re all prickly! I feel like the concept of shaving and related activities just cause me stress. Unnecessary stress.

Not to mention follicles! And the fact that no matter how well I try to shave, you can still see the little dots of my hair follicles, and it frustrates me to no end. Sigh.

I hate shaving. It sucks. Hence why I wear pants all the time. That is my rant of the week.

Now I’m going to go take a shower. And shave my legs. Don’t judge me.