Me. Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about who I am, and who I am not. And if I’m ok with who I am. And who I want to be. And who I’m terrified of becoming.

A good friend of mine makes documents to state what he believes in and how it changes over the years. So I figured it was fitting to make a similar post at the end of my frosh year, of just who I’ve become over the last year. My “self” and my understanding of myself have changed a lot recently, and I thought it’d be a good idea to make a solid statement of who I am.

I’m smart. Not crazy super genius, not extraordinarily so, but I am smart. And I enjoy using my brain, whether in school or in discussing the intricacies of life philosophies. Although I can appear as a bit of a ditz, I am smart, and I value my intelligence.

I’m good looking. Not outstandingly so and I have flaws, but I clean up nicely when I want to. I’m not ashamed of how I look and I like the skin I’m in, and probably a bit more vain than I should be. I may say I don’t think I look good, but sometimes when I look in the mirror, I think I look really good and am confused as to why others don’t see it. But I don’t admit that to anyone.

I’m artsy. Not an artist, but there’s a part of me that heaves a sigh of ecstacy when my hands are dirty from smudging the graphite shadows when recreating a favorite photo of a treasured memory, crafting hand selected words into a stream of poetic expression, or watching someone’s long slender fingers dance deftly across the ivory and black keys of an old grand piano.

I’m logical. Not as much as I’d like to be sometimes, when emotions get the best of me, but when it comes down to it logical decisions are the only ones I trust and feel good about when all is said and done. I love logic and the web of reason it weaves around a crafty argument, how it gives us tools to comprehend the incomprehensible.

I’m scared of emotions. I’m scared of the intensity, the irrationality, and the fact that they have more influence over my actions then I’d like to admit. The way I sometimes twist logic to prove that what I’m feeling is justified terrifies me. Sometimes I abuse them- I try to make myself feel by poking my “bruises” because on some level I believe that “sad is happy for deep people.” But I know emotions are good and necessary and I need to figure out how comprehend and be at peace with them.

I’m passionate. It takes me a bit, but when I fall in love, I fall hard and hold nothing back, causing me to do some things that I regret. And it takes me a while, too long, to get back up and dust myself off. But I do.

I’m people oriented. I always put friendships before anything else in my life, no matter what deadline is looming or what work I’m ignoring. I need people to a fault; I’ve lost the ability to be alone because I need people too much. It’s hard for me to spend time by myself and feel ok about it, not getting depressed. No matter how bad I’m feeling, people will make me better.

I’m obsessive. I find something I like and then love it to death. Over the years, I’ve obsessed over Phantom of the Opera, muffins, Wicked, House, purple, the number 23, Relient K, online graphic t-shirts, and Doctor Who. To an obnoxious degree. Once I find something I like, I latch on and bleed it dry.

I’m scared of change. I used to think I thrived on change and prided myself on this, but now I realize that that was only because I didn’t like where I was. This realization disappoints me. When I like the people I have and the place I’m at, I hate change, I’m scared of losing what I have. I’m rubbish at goodbyes- if I know I’m likely to never see someone again I bawl like a baby.

I’m terrified of being forgotten. My biggest fear is that I don’t make an impact on people and that their lives would be no different without me and that they would never miss me. I’m scared that people don’t know me, that no one wants to really “know” me, that when I’m out of sight, I’m out of mind. That people don’t really want me. That one day I’ll wake up and realize that I don’t have any lasting friends. That I need everyone else more than they need me.

I’m intense. In my close friendships, to trust someone I need one on one time with them. In a relationship, I need almost constant communication, to feel “connected” to my significant other, which can manifest itself as neediness sometimes. If I don’t get one on one time, I don’t feel like they’re really my friend. I expect too much of people. I expect too much of their time.

I’m impulsive. When I see something I like, I go for it. Hence why I’m in Canada. I’m always up for an impromptu adventure. I sometimes do things I shouldn’t. I sometimes buy too many things I don’t need.

I’m travel hungry. I love new places, new people, new experiences, new cultures, new food. I soak it up like sunlight. I like to dream of places I’ll go and things that I’ll do, and I’ll never be content staying in one place without traveling a decent amount to explore this gorgeous world of ours. But I couldn’t travel alone, I’d need a friend to share it with, which is unfortunately limiting. There’s almost nothing I love more than a good road trip with some amazing friends.

I’m spiritually confused. I believe in God, and I’ve always been Christian. I’m a preacher’s kid at heart. The thought of losing my faith in God always terrified me. But now, I can see it. I can see it happen and being ok. I can see the beauty in not claiming I have a unique truth and putting up walls between myself and those who are don’t have it, in putting my efforts into just loving everyone, in seeing this rock and each other as all we have, which makes it even more important to help those less fortunate because there is no God, in the crazy chance of this planet existing, in not getting caught up in rules and morality and trying to figure out life using an ancient book that everyone interprets differently. I’m not saying I don’t believe in God anymore, but I can see how not believing in God could actually lead to a good place. I’m disenchanted with Christianity and find myself rolling my eyes at religious sentiments at times. And that terrifies me. Because I want God, I need God, I love God. But at the same time… do I? I hate being on the fence, not really knowing, I’m not atheist but I’m not wholly Christian at the same time. I’m nothing. And it’s awful.

I’m not sure about faith. About the fact that faith requires belief in spite and in the absence of reason. That it prides people who can maintain beliefs even when they’re challenged. I want to be logical, I want to make sense, I want to believe something because it’s reasonable and true, not because I want it to be true and so I obstinately refuse to consider alternatives. I want to believe something responsibly- if something I believe makes claims about other people and their ways of life, I better have good proof of it being true. So if faith in God requires faith in absence of fact, I’m not sure if I can do it.

I’m a fan of winter. I love the cold, the ice, the snow. Today it snowed in mid April and I couldn’t stop smiling. Walking outside was like living in a snow globe, and it’s wonderful. Cold wakes me up and makes me feel alive. It’s invigorating and painful and wonderful and I can never get enough winter. My love of snow is so great that I honestly consider this winter the first time I was ever “satisfied” by winter in a really deep way. It’s hard to explain, but it makes me deeply and thoroughly happy.

I’m addicted to lying. I pride myself in it. I consider myself a good liar, even though I’m not as good as I’d like to think. My good friends can see right through me. But I mask emotions and tell convenient lies without a second thought, like a reflex. Lies that make everything go smoother, that could be true but aren’t. And sometimes I’m so good at lying that I’m not sure if I’m lying to myself or not. Sometimes it gets so bad that I doubt everything I believe about myself. But I can’t afford to doubt that.

I’m cheerful. Generally. I do get down from time to time, but I’m generally a happy person. I almost always have a smile on my face, and when I get really excited my voice goes up a few octaves. I have a zest for life that I can barely contain, and that I think shows through. Sometimes, I’m just so happy about life that I can’t contain my smile, no matter how hard I try.

I’m a words person. My love language is a combination of quality time and words of affirmation. If someone’s doing badly, I try to compose some sort of encouraging message, reminding them of who they are and what I see in them that I love. My first tool in my arsenal is words. And words mean so much to me. Words that mean a lot to me that I have in print somewhere, I pour over time and time again long after the person who said them has ceased to mean them. I hold onto words to remind me of a time that passed, when I was loved.

I’m captivated by songs. Songs that have special meaning to me, that hold pockets of time in their lyrics. Certain songs will always mean certain events, people, or times to me, and when I listen to them I’m transported back in time. Music helps me when I don’t know how to help myself.

I’m an ideas person. I love to dream and brainstorm and think and imagine possibilities. I love to dream bigger than I know how to achieve, to think of possibilities and extract a sense of hope and joy from the expectation. But I’m not a planner, and I can’t make them happen. I’m working on it, but right now, I’m still woefully inadequate when it comes to making my dreams a reality. It saddens me.

I’m not a dominant person. I’ve noticed a pattern in my friendships- I tend to attach to people who are more popular and dominant than I am. That way I can just hang on for the ride and go along with what they want to do. It’s not being a doormat or passive, I’m just comfortable with sitting back and letting what happens happen, and I’m ok with that. I’m ok with being less dominant and pretty much being the sidekick.

I’m curious. I love hearing about different people, about what they think, about how the world works. I want to know about all different religions, cultures, schools of thought, languages, everything. I wish I could learn it all.

I’m responsible. And I get off on being responsible, I thrive on being dependable. Nothing makes me happier than knowing that people need and depend on me and that I deliver. When I’ve been asked in interviews “why do you want this job,” the real answer is because I want to be responsible, I want the opportunity to make people need and trust me, not the answer I actually give.

I’m open. I used to think that I didn’t share my secrets with anyone unless I knew I could trust them, unless I knew them for a long time and trusted them completely, and I was proud of this trait. Recently, I’ve realized that’s just not true. I’ll tell my life story to anyone that listens. Anyone. I don’t need to trust someone completely to tell them my weaknesses, how I work, and the things I regret, all I need is for them to want to listen. And I’ll tell them. And, I’m ok with that.

I’m foolish. Sometimes I do things that I know I shouldn’t, that I have every reason not to do, and do them anyway against all better judgement. And regret it later. I don’t learn from my mistakes very well.

I’m assertive. I’m not one to wait patiently until the guy asks me out, or mess around with ambiguity. I’ll cut right to the chase, ask the hard questions, and deal with the consequences, because I can’t deal with what ifs. I can’t deal with doubts. If there’s the slightest chance, I have to try it. And I make a fool out of myself sometimes. But I don’t regret it.

I’m a hopeless romantic. I sit around and think about the day when I’ll have a guy of my own, finally, that I have no reserves about dating. That day when I an love someone without a little part of me going “Em, you know better.” What I wouldn’t give to fully let myself go and feel and love, with no reservations. I watch romantic comedies and wish a nice guy would try to woo me. I evaluate most males I meet as potential dating candidates way more than I should. I want to get married so I never have to worry about being alone again because I’ll have someone who wants to spend the rest of their life with me. And I won’t be scared of losing them.

I’m a here and now person. I don’t usually miss people. I love my family, but I don’t get home sick, nor do I feel like I need to see them. When I don’t see people, we don’t talk. I have never kept in long distance communication with anyone except my parents because I committed to talking to them about once a week. So when I don’t see people, I lose them, whether by my fault or theirs.

I’m judgmental. I usually make snap first impression judgments about people. And I stick by them. Until I find out that they’re utterly and completely wrong. But I still make judgments nonetheless. I judge people especially by their voice- if I don’t like someone’s voice, I judge their whole character by it.

I’m good at judging time. I’m good at balancing school time and relationships, and knowing how long I can procrastinate while still having the perfect amount of time to do the work I need to. I can usually estimate with accuracy how long something will take or how long it will take to get somewhere.

I’m trusting. Even when I shouldn’t be. I believe promises that are sincere yet I know can’t be kept, because I want them to be true. I want to believe in always. But I don’t. I don’t think that anyone can ever make an always promise because people change and things change and ideas and emotions change. You can commit to a lifestyle, a decision, a process that may end up in always, but you can’t say with 100% certainty “I will always ____.” I don’t believe in always. But I’ll still trust people’s always promises, even when I know they’re not true. I trust that maybe this time, it’s different. And I’m waiting to be proved wrong.

So there it is. That’s a snapshot of me. I’m smart, good looking, logical, scared of emotions, passionate, people oriented, obsessive, scared of change, terrified of being forgotten, intense, impulsive, travel hungry, spiritually confused, not sure about faith, a fan of winter, addicted to lying, cheerful, a words person, captivated by songs, an ideas person, not dominant, curious, responsible, open, foolish, assertive, a hopeless romantic, a here and now person, judgmental, good at judging time, and trusting. I’m sure I’ll add to this post as I think of different things I should have added, but that’s me.

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