I am not a fan of Halloween. It’s not because it’s kinda evil and creepy. It’s not because of the hassle of feeding candy to little kids who show up to your door so they can shove their faces, get a sugar rush, and drive their parents up a wall. It’s not because of scary movies that scare the shit out of me-I hate horror movies and even get scared after something as innocuous as “the blob.” It’s not because of the stupid parade I had to do every year I was in marching band that sounded horrible because we had to play with middle schoolers. It’s not because people use this holiday as an excuse to torture their children and pets; parents, does you’re baby care that they look like a cute air freshener? No. Of course not.

This baby is clearly not amused. –>

This is for your pleasure, not theirs. You’re sick.

No. It’s because of my obligation to wear a costume. Now, you would think that I would love costumes. I’m a creative person who has a prominent artsy side, even though I am sickeningly rational. I enjoy coming up with fun ideas and making things. But somehow, all my costume ideas are flops.

Sometimes, I’ll have a great idea, but I’ll execute it poorly. Such as the time I went as Homestarruner and simply glued a felt star to a red long sleeve shirt and wore white sweatpants. Nobody knows who Homestarruner is. Fail.

Other times I’ll have a bad idea, but I do it well. However, it’s still a horrible idea. Such as the year I was a tourist. Who dresses up as a tourist? Severely lame costume idea. Not to mention that everyone thought I was a hippie.

Or sometimes I’ll have a crappy idea that I execute crappily. Like the time I wore my winter coat and said I was an Eskimo. Or the time I wore a sign that said “Go Ceilings” because I was a “ceiling fan.” Yea, I know.

Every once in a while I’ll get it right. The one year I dressed up as Dr. House, and had a cane and everything. Except that marching in a marching band… with a cane… playing the clarinet… yea it didn’t work out so well. And only once have I actually worn a store bought costume, and it was someone elses. I was a hippie, and I never want to wear that many colors on the same article of clothing ever, ever again.

So you see, I hate Halloween. I hate the pressure each year of coming up with an easy and fun costume idea because, lets just face it, I’m horrible at thinking of costumes. Not to mention that even if I wanted to buy a costume, all the female ones are for sluts and hos who want an excuse to show off their asses. The benefit of eating tons of candy is negated by my horrible costuming talent. Thank goodness I don’t have to dress up any more this Halloween season. Maybe, just maybe, if I wish hard enough, Halloween will disappear!

Hey, a girl can have dreams, can’t she?