Almost everyone with access to a television has heard of the cookie monster. Sesame Street has been a show enjoyed by children ever since I was a wee little girl myself. What’s not to love about those furry little monsters, running around, learning about letters and numbers, and laughing all the time?

Well, maybe our generation has been influenced too much by this children’s classic. For, you see, people all end up becoming FOOD MONSTERS! Yes, we all have a little cookie monster hiding deep within the inner recesses of our minds, that decides to pop out whenever we see a tasty treat.

If you have ever worked in a food service job before, you know what I’m talking about. Perfectly normal, nice, happy people somehow get transformed by the presence of food. Whether a meal-time buffet, or a simple late night snack, people go crazy when it comes to food. Rational goes out the window, and all they think is ME ME ME.

I’ve been slightly psychologically affected by this phenomenon. Whenever I hear dinnerware clinking, I shudder and it sends a shiver down my spine. If I’m serving, I start to feel this animosity and hatred welling up towards people I love every other minute of the day when they’re not eating. It’s almost as if I can physically see the people change, from ordinary, normal people in to fuzzy, greedy monsters.

Their talons extend rapidly from their fingers as they lunge for the last cookie, trying to make sure that they don’t get short changed. Their beady monster eyes scan the area, making sure they didn’t miss another chance to stuff more calories into their bodies. Their bushy monster eyebrows furrow as they look at an empty pitcher, that will be full in 5 minutes if they can just hold on to their panties. It’s like a scene from Monster’s Inc. gone wrong.

If you have never worked a food service position before, you probably have no idea what I’m talking about. Or maybe you are guilty yourself. But for the love of goodness, next time you go through a buffet, pick the slightly less attractive but still quite yummy piece, finish off a pan, and just be patient! We can make this world monster free, one person at a time!

Emily’s List of Stupid Things that People do Regarding Food

1. In a food line, people will always take the nicest one. They think, “someone else will eat that piece that is slightly broken or looks just a tad less appealing than the others.” Well, speaking as a person who works in a kitchen, the answer is NO. Nobody will eat that piece that is PERFECTLY FINE except for a small visual defect because they all think the same as YOU. Everyone wants to make sure that they have the best for themselves. So food gets wasted. Boo.

2. If there is a full pan or an empty pan, people always go for the full pan. Do they not realize it makes my life easier if they just finish the old damn pan? They taste the same!

3. People are also ridiculously impatient. If arriving for a party or a class or some other meeting, 5 minutes late is no big deal. But oh, no, when a meal is 5 minutes late? People get so irritated! All they can think of is “where’s my food!”

4. If a food runs out, it’s a great injustice. Well, we prepare based on an average serving size. So tell your buddies not to eat like freaking pigs!

5. If there is a lid on a pan, it’s there for a reason. Please don’t pick it up and look underneath just to see if there is one morsel of food that you are being cheated out of. You’re not. It’s empty I promise.