Today I saw something that I don’t see everyday. Two squirrels in a deadly battle. On the front patio. As I sat at breakfast with a table full of acquaintance-friends, munching on my daily bowl of multi-grain cheerios, I pondered these two squirrels. What could they be fighting about? Perhaps the one squirrel had simply stolen the other’s nuts. Perhaps there was a voluptuous lady squirrel that they both had their beady little eyes on. Perhaps they had joined a squirrel version of fight club to spice up their mundane lives of nut-gathering; squirrels need to feel alive too!

But then the obvious hit me- the squirrels were different colors! One had fur of a steely gray hue, and the other possessed a silky black black fur coat. Here in Canada, apparently squirrels come indifferent colors; back home we only had the common gray squirrel. Clearly, these Canadian squirrels were racist! They had not been able to settle their racial differences in a peaceful manner, so they resorted to sheer violence!

I was appalled! Since I am majoring in Peace and Conflict studies, I knew I had to do something- this would be perfect field work to put on my resume! If animals can’t even get over their racial differences, however will us blundering humans manage to get it right?

So I stepped out onto the patio in the brisk October Canadian morning, and attempted to grab the squirrels. However, if you have ever seen a squirrel, you know that they run fairly quickly and would be hard to catch. I can only imagine how humorous it must have looked to the people inside the caf to see two racist dueling squirrels being chased by a silly American girl, still sleepy from having just woken up, dressed in her pajamas, and yelling profanities.

But eventually my efforts were rewarded; the squirrels were too involved in their racial dispute to notice me sneaking up behind them, using a left over decorative corn stalk as cover. I grabbed them both by the scruff of their necks, and glared at them. “Now just what is your problem?” I inquired, quite irritably.

Unfortunately, squirrels don’t speak English. So I tried again- “Porque Uds. (I didn’t want to offend them, they could be my elders for all I know) se pelean?” But these were not Spanish squirrels either. They simply stared at me for a few moments, than started struggling and waving their tiny squirrel hands all about in a quite irritated manner. The gray one then proceeded to bite me, and I let out a yelp and unintentionally flung the squirrels into the nearby tree.

Success! The squirrels were now knocked unconscious, therefore their fight had stopped. Emily saves the day yet again. Quite proud of myself, I sauntered back into the caf, to the horrified looks of all the environmental majors. “It’s only 9:15, and already I’ve done a great thing for this world,” I thought smugly to myself. Let the day begin.